How to talk to your partner about STIs: 7 golden rules
You’ve found the one. Or maybe one of the ones. You want to be with them, you trust them, and you’d really, really like to stop using condoms. But just to be sure...you’d like them to take an STI test. They said they’d been in a long-term relationship before but you’ve met their former partner and, well, they may have had a fairly open relationship. So how do you ask the question - ‘would you mind taking an STI test?’
1. Don’t say it’s because of them
‘Oh, hon, it’s just because I want to make sure everything’s ok you know, because of who you’ve been sleeping with (they make bad choices) and because we haven’t known each other that long (you don’t trust them ) and I just want us to be sure, you know, and get it all out there (you’re worried about something).'
2. Don’t say it’s because of you
‘I’m sure you are fine but I just want to have an extra check so I’m not worrying about anything (what have you been up to?!) and I’m not putting you at risk. '
3. Don’t make out it's like a date night
‘It will be so much fun! We can do each other’s rectal swabs, it’ll be a real bonding experience for us. And I’d love to cut open your finger and collect your blood in a tiny vial!’
4. Do show that you know your stuff
‘It’s not hard, it takes a couple of minutes, and then we carry on having sex without worrying about STIs. We can even order a test online and do it at home. All you need to do is take some swabs and a tiny bit of blood from your finger and then we stick it all in the post and get our results by text.’
5. Talk to each other about your results
Many STIs have no obvious symptoms. If you’ve been having sex with the same partner for a while, you could have passed an infection between you without knowing you had it in the first place. It’s worth talking about this beforehand. Agree on when you’ll share your results, and what to do if one or both of you has an infection.
6. Do tell them that everyone’s doing it
It’s quite unusual for a sexually active person to have never, ever had an STI. Most people carry some kind of herpes - these are the viruses that cause genital herpes and genital warts. About 5% of the population have chlamydia at any one time (chlamydia is a particular fan of young people, so if you’re aged 15 - 24, chances are you’ve been at least in the same vicinity). So it’s not such a big deal to have one or to get tested.
7. Don’t judge
If you’ve agreed to take a test together, you’ve accepted that you’ve got to be honest with each other. If one of you gets a positive result for the tests, you’ll probably have to tell your recent sexual partners. Think about how that’s going to go. Do you really want to know everything? Do you accept that what has gone before is over and done with?
If you haven’t been honest with each other from the start, this is where everything could go tits up. You’re making a couple of phone calls and they seem to be calling everyone they’ve ever met, including your best mate…
However you decide to play it, remember that it’s your body and your health. If you want to be sure that you don’t have an STI, you need to take a test. And there’s nothing like an anal swab to get the excitement back into your relationship, right?
